My days have ranged from me being totally on, to me being totally not. Someone very close to me was/is going through a serious mental breakdown. Straight up. If you've ever dealt with a mental illness, you feel me. It's like you are lost in a world where nothing seems real....but it's just all too real to handle. Every day is a struggle, every day you hope it gets better for them and in return, for you. Not only are they in a state of psychosis, they're also a completely slowed down version of themselves. Slow talking, mumbling, drooling, too many meds, too much outside stimulation. How do you handle it? Where do you take them/yourself for help? And why aren't there more hospitals and resources to help patients and families that have to struggle with these situations? I feel helpless, hopeless, and overwhelmed. I can't even imagine how they feel in their situation. It's heartbreaking. But everyday I work through it, and I do my best to be supportive...even when they won't accept the help and support they're offered. You keep pushing through it by doing the best that you can do, without losing your focus in your life. That's whats its all about, that balance. Once you start to lose that, everything else becomes more of a struggle. You get stuck in that downward spiral until you hit your idea of what the bottom is. I've been there without even realizing it. Stuck in the same shit doing the same thing every day, working the same job that I hated and not doing much about it. It all becomes a big pile of fuck...and then you wake up and wonder "how the fuck did I get here? when did this happen?" You've been there, going that direction for quite some time. You just couldn't see it. And that brings me to SELF AWARENESS! This is the key to life. Every now again you should clear your mind. Take a step back and try to take a good look at yourself and see yourself for what you are at that moment. What are you doing? What would you rather be doing? Where do you want to be and how do you get there? Think about it, and when you figure it out don't ever stop working towards that. I don't think I have everything figured out by any means, but I try to keep myself in check by being open with my friends about who I am, who I want to be and where I see myself in the future. By doing that your friends/family can help to keep you on track and vice versa. You won't feel offended or like someone is telling you what to do, because they're just reminding you of all things that you've been open about doing or wanting to do. Go from there, find peace within yourself and you'll find comfort from that. I'm lucky to have found a piece of my spirituality through this and in this year from being open and talking to other people about life, ideas I have, they have, sharing stories, etc. It's quite uplifting and I suggest everyone do this. You might find something you've been looking for or something you didn't even realize you needed. Ok ok...I'm done babbling for the moment.
On another note, my awesome friend Judy hooked dinner up tonight after a good workout at the gym. I love having a good friend that can make killer Asian food....and being Chinese helps with that :) oh yes....I am a lucky one.
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